It is better to lose something to win one self,than to win something to lose one self.:)
Warning:This whole post is nothing but my account of how i turned from 'what i was' to 'what iam now'! Nothing interesting but check out the end of this post! Read ahead at your own risk.You may be bored to the extent that you may want to bore my head with a bore!:D
When I was young,I always dreamt of living in an urban atmosphere,travelling in cushioned cars and sleeping in big beds,as kids in movies used to do.Not that im old now,as I don’t want to be comparative(younger),I used positive(young).Wow,such an optimist Iam!:P
When we moved into our home,17 years back,I was scared because the neighborhood was so silent that one can doubt that if it ever existed.And as to confirm my suspicion,there were no neighbours,which in turn was due to the fact that there were no homes around ours.Our nearest neighbor was some 100 meters away ,not that our plot was so big,but due to above-said reason.There were , say, some 100 houses in the whole 4 sq.km locality.A paddy farm bordered our small home which also served as dead end to our street.I hated that.I instead asked my dad to urge people to build an apartment there so that there would be some noise.
I used to cry when my mom dragged me on the soily brown mud-roads and the reason why I cried was to travel in luxury.And that luxury was an autorickshaw.ya,I envied the kids who used to travel in auto-rickshaw when I was to walk on all two legs!:D..There were spinach and other cash crops farms on either side of road for about half a mile from our home.That would have been a heaven for me now,but it wasn’t for me then.We never enjoy something that is granted and we crave for it when we don’t have it!!
I loved my adjoining locality which is stacked with houses and the streets were always full of people.Yet I didn’t had chance to move in that crowd.I don’t know why these two incidents are still clear in my memory:one was getting restless and crying to move away from a crowd which had gathered for a religious carnival and the other was getting lost holding a pink saree lady , thinking it was my mom’s sister when she used to pick me from school.I’m not clear when it happened,but I was in kindergartens when these happened.May be the prospect of getting lost in a crowd made me hate it later,I dunno!
We never went outside st.thomas mount for vacation.My dad used LTC for meeting the ends,with month end topping the list of ‘end’s.And who said posing before some structure built by men is the only happiness.Being in home is the best happiness one cannot buy.Others means of happiness are things one try to buy and fake the happiness for others, according to me!You know,in your home,you’re the king and you can do whatever you think!
But by the age of eighteen,I was dragged or pressurized to break this happy wall/comfort zone and I was pushed into college.This college was miles away from my place.Err..i forgot to mention the number 8 before ‘miles’.And it was the first time in my life,I felt totally helpless.Not because we are in new atmosphere,but because of my restlessness as I was sitting in jam-packed hall.I had never been in such a crowd except in theatres,that too which I went with my dad only.And this crowd was overwhelming.Rather than accepting my mind’s defeat to the crowd,I started hating the crowded places.And if I had to get a degree,I need to be in crowded places.:((
When i went to college classroom,it was crowded.
Canteen,crowded!
Season counter,crowded!
Train,crowded!
Road,crowded!
Exam hall,crowded!
Bus,crowded!
Theatres,crowded!
Campus placements,crowded!
My mind,crowded!(with thoughts on how to be restmore when im in these places)
I thought of even ending my life once and this ‘once’ was once-a-day!Like”a cartoon a day”!!:P
But I’m not a coward!And my parents were a reason why I love this life.Everytime I'm in heights of anxiety at the middle of a crowd,I would think of my dad and these suicidal thoughts are of no concern to me then!
All was well till 5th sem.My close friend died during the start of 6th sem and it turned my life topsy-turvy.First,I didn’t attend his funeral bcos he was cremated in his village and my parents barred me from going there.They thought I might completely be broken when I see his corpse.Though its true to an extent,I’m still under the guilt that I didn’t do the last things which every friend indeed need to do!:(
Second, was the void he created which he can only fill.And I was in such agony that I cant even walk a few steps without gasping for breath.I cried for days both in loss and guilt.I was taken to our area doc and when he checked my BP,the mercury did a new record of attaining peak after years of try.(Just an exaggeration!)She advised me to forget everything and move on with life.And as college re-opened,I recovered .But this fucking crowd-shivers escalated.Once if you find that you have high BP(160/110) whenever you get tensed,you will relate it to heart attack.Even if you don’t,I did it. That was the terrible misconception which should have topped the hall of misconceptions!:D..But I didn’t help it to attain that height as my brain goes to that step as soon as it senses a crowd.I feared that I would die of heart arrest when I get high BP.Which would be due to anxiety,due to crowd and the rest is what I face almost everyday as I plunge into the stream of people.Yet not even my best friend knows this.Not even my parents.I thought I would face this battle alone.But my continuous failures in exams,not the arrears,but I don’t get marks for my full preparation.Then,my sluggish mind got fed up of full preparations and low marks ,where restlessness in exam halls filled the potential gap.I stopped preparing and lessened the energy gap,so there is less voltage generated by the jump!:P And thus my grades went downhill.
At first,when I told this to my mom,she thought it was fear of exams.nah!for me writing an exam is as cool as buttermilk in an clay pot.Then they went to the angle of halls and even I believed it.I tested myself by seating myself in various corners of the hall.though the huge structure made me gasp,yet I never had the anxiety as when the hall was full.
Well,all that begins well ends in borewell.I bored all my energy and got out with a degree.And I bored some of my friends too!
Now im approaching it in an angle of 'preferences'.I prefer lonely places.I don’t prefer crowds.I prefer bikes rather than crowded buses or trains.I prefer deserted road rather than crowded road.I prefer ATVM rather than ticket counter.But then how can one accept his fear to win oneself.And so,im still going out and fighting a battle which I can only win and yet I win it daily.
Now,I miss the silent neighborhood,the serene farms,the soily roads,the cool air,the lone myself walking on the lonely roads singing and hopping in joy. Now I hate crowded urban centres,concrete roads,my adherence to luxury like cellphone,internet and bike and the whole money-chasing world.
And like adding fuel to the fire,”into the wild” made me fantasize myself in its protagonist’s role.I saw a christopher mccandless in me.I too have desires of working in a farm,watering and plowing by hand.Hugging my little plants . Roaming only with shirt and pant and without any money and fear.A peaceful mind,not worried about future.Saving a money in a bank doesn’t assure a safe future and in case,you’re in city,you need to do it.Thats why I don’t like the idea of living my rest of life in a city.
SO,I end this big post with lines from the song “society” which is one of my favorite song from “into the wild”. Though he did a fault by not crossing that river,yet the thought of myself living life that way is so romantic!It just tempts me more than a pretty girl!I say this Louder,CHRISTOPHER MCCANDLESS LIVED HIS LIFE!!
It's a mystery to me,we have a greed
With which we have agreed
You think you have to want
more than you need
until you have it all you won't be free
society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
When you want more than you have
you think you need
and when you think more than you want
your thoughts begin to bleed
I think I need to find a bigger place
'cos when you have more than you think
you need more space
society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me
there's those thinking more or less less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
Means for every point you make
your level drops
kinda like its starting from the top
you can't do that...
society, you're a crazy breed
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me
society, have mercy on me
I hope you're not angry if I disagree
society, crazy and deep
I hope you're not lonely without me
